In which I use my scanty knowledge of astrology (usually based on the star-signs of ex-boyfriends and a tatty copy of last week’s Shelley Von Strunckel in the Sunday Times Style section) and combine it with my considerable expertise in the world of beauty (no, really, I am an expert) to divulge which products or treatments work, and who they suit best…
AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18
It’s time to be thankful for small mercies. Yes, there is a recession, yes, colouring your hair is expensive, but thankfully you found a colorist who charges less than $500 to cover your grey so you didn’t have to resort to the bottle of Clairol’s Nice N Easy Root Touch-Up you bought on an economy drive and which has been lurking menacingly at the back of the bathroom cupboard. Like anything involving rubber gloves, it’s probably best avoided. Celebrate by splurging with Philosophy’s Gratitude, a bright pink bottle of bubble bath that looks so good propped against the bath you can put off redecorating for another year. See how much money you’re saving already? (And when the recession ends, call Nicola Clarke at John Frieda, London. She’s the best. No question.)
PISCES Feb 19-Mar 19
Flaky people are so annoying, and likely to push us fragile Pisceans over the edge. I’ve been blown out twice in the last month at salons where they really should know better. One in New York’s Meatpacking district, with an incredible view but a hairdresser who didn’t show up at all. (His assistant luckily saved the day). And another time at a top salon in a store in Knightsbridge, where the hairdresser put rollers in my hair, then “forgot” all about me and went for his lunch. Go instead in New York to Blow, on 14th street, for a fuss-free blow-dry (although sadly not with the incredible view).
ARIES Mar 20-Apr 18
The truth is you’re a bit lost for this summer’s look, aren’t you? That’s because there isn’t one. Yes, you could switch the black kohl eyeliner to a natty metallic green, but why bother? Do you think anyone will notice? Really Aries, as my grandma used to say, “Who do you think’s looking at you anyway?” But Grandma was wrong. Put on that natty metallic green liner and everyone will notice, although quite possibly not in the way you want them to. Why not settle with a little more blush, try Nars Multiple in Malibu? You can use it on the lips as well. And pretend you’re in Malibu. Which makes it a three-in-one product: Blush, Lips and Holiday. Now isn’t that better than the all time classic two-in-one Head and Shoulders?
TAURUS Apr 19-May 19
Ooh you’re like a bull in a china shop, all contorted shoulders and stressed aching muscles. Too much disco dancing til dawn, pretending you’re Madonna. A little gentle stretching for you my dear. Followed by a long hot bath in Origins The Way of the Bath Matcha Tea Body Soak. And if your limbs are still aching, may I recommend Herb Technology’s Herbal Ice, which freezes away pain temporarily. My osteopath, Guru Singh put me on to that one.
GEMINI May 20-June 19
This is a message for you Jennifer, my lovely friend. You may be turning 40 this year, but you don’t look a day over 21, so if you’re even thinking of Botox… retreat! You don’t need it! You may hail from California but you’re not the Rodeo Drive type - you’ve always done the rollerblading-down-Venice look so much better… Like all my gorgeous Gemini girl friends (Sharon, Olivia,) your radiant smile is what keeps you looking young and fabulous. Try instead Soap and Glory’s The Fill Monty to keep wrinkles at bay. It works.
CANCER June 20-July 21
Stop crying, it’s not worth it. Learn to bottle it up. Oh I know, your friends will say, “let it all out, have a good cry…” but when has anyone looked good while crying? It wreaks havoc on that baby-soft skin in the eye area. Instead, hug a bottle of rose oil, or better still dab a little on your pulse points. Or head to Space NK and invest in some Aromatherapy Associates Travel Essentials, which comes in four life-enriching bath and shower formulas: Relax, Revive for Morning, Revive for Evening, and Support. So much cheaper than seeing a therapist. And less boring than having to talk about yourself ad infinitum.
LEO July 22-Aug 21
Ah summer! Toss that mane of hair about! Make an entrance with well-applied yet oh-so-natural cosmetics. I can’t get through summer without By Terry’s Soleil de Rose, a cross between a fake tan and a tinted moisturiser that uses natural ingredients to leave your skin glowing and smelling delicately of roses. Delicate is probably not something you Leos do that often. Take the hint, catwoman.
VIRGO Aug 22-Sep 21
Hotel bath-caps. It’s all about the hotel bath-caps. We know how obsessed you are, Virgo, with tidying things up. Forget the Louis Vuitton Vanity Case, it’s way off limits. Look instead at what you can get for free. The samples. The sewing kit. And the hotel bath-caps. Indispensible for wrapping over leaking bottles of shampoo when packing. Or plonked on head to make blow-dry last that one extra day. See how long you can make that super-thin circular cling-film with elastic round the edge last before it springs a leak. Or fork out for a proper one in a shop. Cath Kidston does a pretty one. But really there’s a gap in the market for gorgeous bath caps. That gap could be filled by you, Virgo. Seize the day. Make it a bath-cap day.
LIBRA Sep 22-Oct 22
Lovely Libras always weighing up the pros and cons on those wretched scales. That’s when you’re not leaping on them to check your weight. Focus on something else. Like your hair! Philip Kingsley’s Moisture Balancing Shampoo and Conditioner helps regulate the greasy bits at the top with the dry bits at the bottom.
SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 20
What good is a much-lauded sex drive if your body is a ropy mass of wrinkles and folds? Give up smoking, it’s worse for your skin than sun damage. And protect your skin in the sun with Sisley’s Super Cream SPF 15, which smells fabulously aromatic with just a touch of the medicinal to calm your over-active libido down. Depending on whatever turns you on…
SAGITTARIUS Nov 21-Dec 20
Is there a doctor in the house? Yes! There is Dr Alkaitis in the house! And let us be grateful for that! Being naturally friendly and ebullient, this is the product range for you dear Saggy. Organic, great smells, with new packaging and new formulations, you’ll be glad you rediscovered this line of ethical skincare. I’ve tried it and love the face masks. Besides which, the son of the Dr lives in the same street as me, and he’s really kind to his dog.
CAPRICORN Dec 21-Jan 19
You’re searching for something aren’t you. Something’s not quite right in the mirror these days is it. Could it be the sudden slackness of jaw that suggests weakness of character, when in fact you know it’s too many late nights? Get some sleep. And try Natura Bisse’s Diamond Drops. It’s a serum that tightens and lifts in an instant. No, it won’t last for ever, but it will last long enough for you to trowel some make-up on top and get out of the door, which will make you feel so much better, so much more determined to combat the evil forces the day may present you with.
With thanks to Paul McNeil for his illustrations. Check out: www.paulmcneil.com
